The Great Invasion

Extract

Commander Wirdnikks stretched in his mud bath and grunted. He watched with satisfaction as the bubbles rose from the hot boiling mass, burst on the surface with a gentle plop and spread an acrid smell which caused a pricking sensation in the nose.
What a delight!
As Commander-in-chief of the flagship, he was the only person in the fifth tactical formation of the invasion fleet of the kingdom of Harlork who had his own mud bathtub. The senior officers had to share a couple of group bathrooms and for the many thousands of members of the invading forces, there was only the hope of wallowing in mud after returning back to their home world.
And that would soon be the case. The fleet was already on its way home.
In the last four grapfs (a grapf indicated the time taken by the Harlork world to revolve once around the sun), they had fought countless battles, subdued peoples and were victorious. Everyone on board was longing to finally land somewhere again, where they could spend their wages, watch buxom Harlork girls dancing on the tables and enjoy the fruits of labour. Lost in this thought, Commander Wirdnikks scratched the horny plates on his forehead for some time. He grabbed the cocktail glass next to the bathtub and allowed himself another sip of snail juice. He then leaned back and closed his eyes.
With a sigh, he blissfully imagined how he would step up to the high council after returning home and with a chest swollen with pride, proclaim that there was not a single inhabited planet in this part of the Galaxy which had not been subdued by them. And he dreamt about the honours and rewards which would be showered on him.
In his dreams, he heard the crackle of the communicator.
"Yes, what is it?"
"This is the locating centre.“ A voice said from the loudspeaker, "We have an unusual echo on the sensor."
"An echo on the sensor?" Wirdnikks shouted angrily, "And you are bothering me? Don't you know that I am taking a mud bath?"
"I know," was the reply, and one could hear a slight tremble in the voice. Everyone knew that the Commander could become furious if he was disturbed during his favourite activity, apart from conquering of course.
"But it is a very unusual echo, one that should not have been here at all."
"Hm," Wirdnikks snarled, "Inform the Subcommander Wokkwokk about it. He may grapple with it!"
Yes, that was a good idea, he secretly congratulated himself. Wokkwokk was on duty and was bored most of the time in the bridge anyway. Such a return flight could be a rather bleak affair.
Wirdnikks considered the issue closed and wanted to lean back when the voice of the locating officer came through again.
"I have already done that. And he strongly advised that I notify you. This is something that only you can decide."
"All right," Wirdnikks said and uttered a sigh, "What's it about?"
The sound of someone clearing his throat came from the speaker, "Commander, I think that you should come here and take a look yourself.”
Wirdnikks grunted angrily, "All right, I am coming. And as for you, I can only hope that you have not disturbed me for nothing!” He swung out of the tub.

Commander Wirdnikks's anger cooled down when he arrived at the locating centre and saw the little green dot flashing on one of the big screens. He stared at it in disbelief.
"And that is not a mistake,“ he asked, "or a sensor error?"
The locating officer shook his head, "No, impossible. We have checked everything."
Wokkwokk, who was also in the locating centre, pitched in, "Of course, that was the first thing I had them check," he reported zealously.
Wirdnikks ignored him. He could not stand busybodies, "There is absolutely no doubt?"
"No." The locating officer shook his head, "The display is real. Without doubt, this is a planet of Buärps class which hasn’t been conquered. In fact it is inhabited. Our long range sensors have ascertained it."
Wirdnikks uttered a harlorkic curse through his lips which meant as much as: If you were conceived by a real mother and not in a test tube, I would...
He didn’t like this small flashing dot one bit.
"How is it possible?" Wirdnikks asked, "I thought we conquered the entire region during our outward flight. How can there still be a planet which hasn’t been subdued?"
There was an embarrassing silence all round. No one dared to answer him. If one heard his test tube curse, it was an indication that Wirdnikks had been drinking his snail juice. One thoughtless word and you could end up scrubbing the Commander's mud bath for the rest of the flight, organising the advance troops or carrying out other tedious jobs.
"Well, maybe we have just overlooked it somehow," Wokkwokk said, shrugging his shoulders.
Wirdnikks looked at his Subcommander with a penetrating gaze and the veins on his forehead jutted beyond the bony plates.
"Overlooked?" he yelled, "Overlooked? We the Harlorks? The best, most capable and most feared invasion force in the entire universe?"
"Well, I only thought...“ Wokkwokk said meekly.
"No.“ Wirdnikks continued to yell, "Something like this doesn't happen to us! A Harlork does not make mistakes, most definitely not during a conquest campaign. This is clearly mentioned in our work contracts. Besides, what would posterity say about us someday? Perhaps: These were the Harlorks, the wildest, most merciless and the most efficient military force that ever existed in the known universe, unless of course, they have overlooked something!?"
There was silence again.
"This possibly happened to us,“ the locating officer said, mustering courage.
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe you remember? During our outward flight through this sector, there was a strong light storm which forced us to deviate considerably from the planned route."
Wirdnikks breathed heavily. Yes, he remembered, "Our sensors should have nevertheless located the planet."
"Theoretically, yes,” the locating officer agreed, "But didn't we have this overzealous officer who believed that he could improve the performance of the sensor phalanx many times over if we were not so fussy about sticking to the official operational protocols? I believe we flew through space for several days, blind as a plomboyanic mole, before we got the sensors to work again."
Wirdnikks nodded grimly. He remembered it, too. He had personally beamed the officer into space as a stern reminder of what would happen to those who developed their own thoughts or ideas.
"And you think this is the reason why we overlooked this little...“ he uttered the test tube curse again, "... planet?"
The locating officer nodded, "It seems likely to me."
"What do you suggest that we do now, Commander?" Wokkwokk asked, "The same invasion procedure as the previous time?"
"The same invasion procedure as every time?“ the locating officer added.
Wirdnikks didn’t show to anyone what he thought about: all the honours which awaited him back in Harlork and particularly the prospect of finally being able to bathe in real mud rather than in this tepid stuff which came out of the replication taps. Much as he loved his job as Commander of a conquest fleet, one more planet which was waiting to be conquered was the last thing he wanted. A thought began to take shape in his mind, for which he would have beamed himself into space a few minutes ago.
What difference does one planet more or one planet less make? The next Harlork fleet would pass by here in fifty grapfs at the earliest. If the error got noticed then, one could as well believe that the primitive civilisation on this planet had developed this far in the meantime.
Wirdnikks looked at the officer and pointed to the locating screen, "Are you one hundred per cent sure that this echo is real?"
"Well, one hundred per cent is nothing," the reply came, "But if we couple the sensors with those of the other ships, we can..."
"I didn't ask what we could do but whether the display could be incorrect under the circumstances," Wirdnikks interrupted.
The officer winced and instinctively adopted a posture, "That is very unlikely but yes, Commander, it could be possible."
Wirdnikks nodded satisfactorily "Well, how long will it take for this planet to go out of sensor range?"
"Eight to nine bloqus."
"I see. Well, then switch off the sensors now and check if there is an error for the next ten bloqus. And notify me if the planet still shows up on the display after switching on. Understood?"
The locating officer saluted, "Understood, Commander!"
Wirdnikks looked around. "Well, if that was all I can now go back to my bathtub."
"But, Commander," Wokkwokk stammered, "the sensors cannot pick up the planet at all after ten bloqus. And such a check will last at most two bloqus!"
Wirdnikks nodded good-naturedly, "Exactly."
"Yes, but... Then you want to...” Wokkwokk looked at his Commander in bewilderment, "You want to... I mean, you don’t want to..."
"I see that you have understood."
"But why?"
"Wokkwokk! In the last few grapfs I have really enjoyed conquering, depopulating or destroying every planet which we came across. But now all I want is to GO HOME! The high council is waiting to honour me. Now, go back to the bridge and ensure that there are no more disturbances for the rest of the flight back home."